Saturday, December 28, 2013

Another New Year.

We are approaching New Year's Eve once again and my thoughts turn to 2014 and what is to come, as well as what I want for myself and my family in the coming year.  I don't believe in resolutions, but I do believe in hopes and goals.  I have a few that I'm going to be working towards this year: finishing and publishing my second book; continuing to create and improve my blog and website; continuing to write for whatever other sites want me; maintaining my support groups and my volunteer work; cementing ties with my friends and found-family; and just being happy. 

My thoughts also turn towards my dad and his gradual, incremental slide away from me and the world. I wonder if this will be the year that I lose him.  Part of me hopes so, as shocking as that might sound to some; I have faith that other caregivers understand what I'm talking about.  I know how horrified and angry he would be at what is happening to him.  I know he would be humiliated at the type and amount of care he needs.  I also know that it is so sad to see his once-active, strong body deteriorate slowly. I don't think he would want to carry on this way.   It is never given to us to know when our final moments, or those of our loved ones, are here, however.  I can only hope his final ones aren't difficult since he's been through so much already.

This coming May will be the tenth anniversary of my moving in with dad and becoming his caregiver.  I can't believe its been ten years!  Things both wonderful and terrible have happened in those ten years, but I don't suppose I would change much if I had to go back and do it again.  I think I would still have chosen to take dad on.  I'm pretty sure making that choice in the first place led to growth and expansion I might not otherwise have experienced. Who would have thought it?

All I can do now is what all caregivers do: take it day by day, keep on keepin' on, live in the moment, and, my personal favorite, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  I hope that this year is a positive one.  In the new year, I wish for peace, comfort, and relief from pain for dad; happiness and growth for me, my husband and friends; and a moment of ease and love for all my fellow caregivers.

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