Monday, February 28, 2011


I can't believe its been a week since Dad's surgery already. He appears to be doing just fine, with no ill effects from the procedure, unlike the last time. I am supremely grateful for this-no more trips to the ER because of excessive pain. I'm guessing that the caregiver is actually using all of the pain meds as directed by me.

I was surprised, however, at how I felt after the procedure. My book, of course, has not yet come out but a major part of my story has been how it felt to take care of Dad and deal with his medical issues when he never lifted a finger to help me with mine. As I explained, Dad is a Christian Scientist, and he does not believe in the efficacy of medical intervention, nor does he believe that a body which is a reflection of God, can truly get sick. I don't subscribe to these beliefs, but I was raised with them, and as a child, was not encouraged to show illness or report symptoms, something that has left a lasting legacy in my body. When I came down with a serious chronic condition as a young woman, I had no idea how to take care of it and didn't seek medical help until a lot of damage had been done to my body. During this time, I lived with Dad, and he, because of his beliefs or for other reasons, never acted to help me, even though I was seriously ill.

In my book, I cover how hard it was to step in and take over organizing Dad's life, and my feelings that he was bowing out of life and leaving me to clean up the mess. But I also discuss how very hard it was and is to help him deal with the medical problem and go to the doctor. In essence, it makes me angry on levels I'm not always aware of to have to care for a parent who didn't care for me. The story is bigger than this, of course, and I do love my father and want to care for him. But I know I can't be the only one whose parents weren't always as caring or present for us as we could have wanted. For all those people who have had trouble admitting that at times they feel anger towards their parent with dementia, I'm right there with you, and I understand. It's not all love and light, sometimes its about doing something you have a problem with because you know its the right thing to do.


  1. I agree - I was responding to a comment further up the hub. As you say, though, you've lived with it more than three years.

  2. I totally feel your pain. My mom was very critical of me my entire life. The result? I became an over achiever, constantly trying to improve myself in order to gain approval from my mom. It never came... then she lost her mind and I care for her. It's wicked hard.

    Maybe you will be able to finalize your story once you work through the anger? It's such a complex experience which I am sure will help others realize that they are not alone.

    You are worthy of all the great things that life has to offer.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  3. Glad to hear that your father's surgery went well. I respect your initiative to take care of him despite what happened before.