Friday, December 16, 2011

Seeing Dad.

Lately...I've been seeing my Dad, everywhere I go. It's very strange. I'll be walking along, or in a store, or getting into my car, and I'll see someone, usually from behind, and I'll instantly think, "That's Dad!" And, of course, my rational brain then kicks in and I realize that my Dad absolutely could not be out and about downtown Ballard, for example, and that he is, in fact, probably snoozing in his chair at his home. And it's not always even men! I glimpsed a woman and my tricky mind saw something about my dad and thought, again, "Dad!"

I don't know what, exactly, is going on in my mind. When I look more closely at these people, I see that they don't look anything like my father-but there is some feature, some expression, some physical aspect, that instantly reminds me of him-and I think I see him. Sometimes it's height, or a lanky frame. Sometimes its a glimpse of big, bony, capable hands. I've seen him in a man wearing chunky brown glasses or a flannel shirt. Sometimes its just a thick, gray-white head of hair. I see my Dad in many people these days.

As to why it's happening more and more? When I visit Dad now, I see him get more and more frail. He's slipping away from me bit by bit, and the process seems to be accelerating a lot lately. My dad and I did not always see eye to eye, nor did we always have the best relationship when he was lucid. He's been sick a long time, and it's become a normal state of affairs; but now that he's getting worse, I'm starting to see the cold grip of mortality around him, and I'm already starting to miss him. Does this happen to anyone else? I wish I knew.

So I think that's why I'm seeing my Dad so many places he couldn't possibly be. I think my heart just really wants to see him, active and out in the world again, instead of slowly slipping out of it.

1 comment:

  1. My dad has already slipped away from me for the most part and this same thing happens to me. I see him everywhere.. Not sure why and after a closer look, they really share no resemblance. It is very strange. You are not alone. :(