Sunday, January 23, 2011


Without question, one of the very hardest things about this entire journey has been having to make decisions FOR someone else. I know that most, if not all, of you, know what I'm talking about. I never wanted to be responsible for another whole body not my own. I hardly want to make medical decisions for myself, let alone someone else.
One of the most agonizing things has always been this responsibility for someone else's welfare, not unlike child-rearing, I suppose. Having to make business decisions is quite hard enough. Did I make the right investment? Have I saved enough money or moved it into the right place? Did I sell the house at the right time, or should I have held on to it? It's not easy. But trying to decide what meds to give my Dad, what surgeries he should have, or not. Just, what is best for his well-being. Even though it's not always at the front of my mind, at the moment, it always seems to be at the back of it.
I don't know if I'm making the right choices for my Dad, I suspect I never will. What makes it more difficult is the knowledge that almost certainly, if he was in his right mind, he would be refusing all of these treatments and prescriptions and surgeries. He's a Christian Scientist, so all things medical have always been anathema to him. He would never admit to pain or illness, would never choose the things I'm choosing for him. Until now, in his adult life, he'd been lucky enough to enjoy great health- to never have to make these choices for himself. Unfortunately, that luck seems to have run out. His health is getting poorer and poorer, and the tough decisions just keep coming.
And I suspect that this will eternally be one of the hardest things I'll ever do.

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